empty walls

empty walls,
windows painted shut
seperating an ocean
of sky from
high hopes
not meant to be
through imperfections
in dusty glass
soft, tangerine
setting sunlight
pours gently
over blemished plaster
into open wounds
unspoken words scrawled
unevenly between
pressure cracks
and peeling layers of paint
concealing decades
of hidden secrets
some forgotten
some which linger
exposed floorboards
gouged and scratched
evidence of restless hearts,
endlessly shifting
meaningless possessions
a lifetime worth of
anger and regret
fallen tears
faded memories
and childhood fears
recalling times of laughter
like remembering
distant dreams
elusive and incomplete
dissolving away
as the door closes

synapse

A neuron lies in wait, negative sixty millivolts.

Resting Potential.

...............waiting for the senses to strike, a stimulus to pounce upon
a Scent, a Sound, a Memory to trigger the chase.
Stimulus Sensed. Ions flood the neural cell, postive 50 millivolts.

Action Potential.

The chase begins. Electricity races along at the speed of light carrying information . Chasing a rational thought, an explanation, UNDERSTANDING.

The Circuit Ends.

At the synaptic gap, charge opens the chemical gate. Dopamine, acetylcholine, seratonin, spanning the gap, triggering another waiting neuron. The chase continues through the cerebral maze on and on until finally charge reaches UNDERSTANDING.

the sky bleeds grey

the sky bleeds grey
staining everything
infinite shades of colourless.
locked inside the icy grip
of frozen rain feelings.
unsettling silence
unsteady stillness
unnamed sadness


frigid wind blows cold
ruthlessly pillaging
all warmth, hope and happiness
leaving an empty wake
of turbulent apathy
unwelcome reality
unwarranted hostility
unending possibility


in the air a soggy chill
wieghing heavily
a crushing burden, merciless
smothering and silencing
pressured
helpless to resist
unresolved regrets
unshared fears
unable to connect

february rain falling steadily
beating relentlessly
ehcoing a distant lifeless lullabye
lonely waves of rythm and sound
unplayed melodies
unheard harmonies
unrestful dreams

zero divided by zero

i dont know how i am.
fine?
curious?
powerless?
content?
disatisfied?
alone and in love all at once

confused and grounded.

feeling equal to zero divided by zero.

me =0/0

collection of competing contradictions:


1. 0/0=1 cuz any number divided by itself =1
2. 0/0=0 cuz zero divided by any number =0
3. 0/0= undefined

three axioms all of which contradict each other but are equally as valid



but then i wonder... if u divided one pie for zero ppl ud still have one pie
but
if u divided one pie for one person ud still have one pie.
so does 1=0?

zero divided by zero sings to my soul

poisoning the well

within me is a well.
deep, dark, cool, still.
a well to draw upon,
in the struggle for some peace.
a well to quench my
restless need for calm.
when i find my centre
the well is there.
but i am poisoning the well.
i have taken all my sickly secrets,
bitter pain, longing lonliness.
broken dreams, intense rage,
shame and guilt..
and i locked them all in boxes,
sealed them with silence
and I drowned them in my well.
but time and turbulence,
memory has worn away the seal
now the bitter irony,
the well is poisoning me.
slowly.

WAKE UP!

look to ur left, ur right.
all is a blur.
rub ur eyes to accelerate focusing.
there is nothing there.
empty sidewalks and hollow buildings
whistling in the dusty wind.
and then.....
unnamed panick, fear...terror. its coming.
u cant say what.
because u dont know
u cant hear it.
u cant see it.
but u can feel it...coming closer............

RUN!

u dont know what ur running from.
but your heart is racing, beating like a basedrum.
loud and resonating. hard.
ur lungs are screaming in pain for air.
but dont slow.....
it's getting closer....
almost has you....
WAKE UP!

broken pieces of reality

seeing through a busted lens.....
light sharply refracts, reflects,
in intricate patterns that dont make snese
nothing seems to fit together..
images in fragments beyond my comprehension
letters and words in a foreign language
broken pieces of reality.
shattered reflections of memory.
disconnected thoughts and feelings, logic and reason..
conversation is treacherous, downright dangerous
every sentence a potential threat
words get lost in meaning
a bitter empty longing loneliness
left in the wake of misunderstanding ....
watching the world in cracked mirror..all the pieces askew.
misreading all the cues....
as tears fall silently i am invisible in a sea of people.
-july 17, 2004

in the mirror

some say eyes are the windows of the soul.
facing my reflection naked and alone
unable to look myself in the eyes
afraid to face myself,
afraid what i might see
i screamed into the night.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?
im scared of nothing...
that beyond my eyes
is hollow worthless dusty space.
a soulless vacuum.
EVERYONE HAS A SOUL NICOLE
i am scared i have a soul...
lying twisted,sick and deformed
seeping poison into my heart and my mind.
i'm scared nothing good is waiting for me
beyond those eyes , through those windows.
-july 24, 2004

loneliness is

loneliness is...

the final leaf clinging to the branches of an oak tree in novemeber

soft moonlight falling on an empty outdoor ice rink

abandoned buildings with broken windows and boxes of dusty time

the church clock striking midnight

sounds of laughter and friendship over heard in a neighbours yard while your taking out the trash

uncomfortable silences....

letters waiting to be mailed to a person who is already gone...

waiting for trains at night...

lost puzzle pieces...

the sun...

the moon...

piles of ashes left behind in the wake of a blazing fire....

tears falling in a sea of people

it is time

this could not wait another moment.........

it is time............

it is always time.

it is time to tell you i love you.
it is time to tell you i need you .
it is time to thank you for being you.


cant let the opportunities to show friends love
slip away
unnoticed
opportunity is far from infinite

when the moments are gone
i dont want to be left thinking
i never gave enough
i never tried enough
i never said enough



my heart is weary, my brain is tired, my eyes are glossy

haven't slept in days

but I'm not alone.

pieces of peace

"life's about finding peace" people say.
searching for peace....
inner peace....
peace of mind....

peace.


i think i find a kind of peace in things....

but it is incomplete...
a fragmented and fleeting peace

a peace i cannot hold on to....
slipping silently away... always.

'life's about having hope" people say.
looking for hope...
giving hope....
hope for future....

hope.

i think i have a kind of hope in things.

it is hard to harbour.....
an evolving and everflowing hope.

hope's hiding in the shadow of my fears
silenced by the echoes of my past.

waiting to be freed.

-may 3, 2004

secret symphony

when i'm walking,
footsteps falling
lungs breathing,
heart beating
traffic ebbs and flows,
cars and ppl come and go.
whisper of the rustling leaves
mimicing the buzzing bees
red breast robin sings his song
with every note where it belongs
children laughing happily
a simple sweet melody.
hear a distant train rattling
and friendly neighbours calmly chatting
water flowing over stones
echoing such soothing tones
suddenly a church bell chimes,
deeply and in perfect time,
resonates inside,
music for my mind.
gently as a close my eyes,
i begin to realize
this harmony is just for me...
my secret symphony

-july 6, 2004

sleepy sounds of silence

Clink…Clink…Clank.
Life lived on an empty tank.

Clank…Clank…Clink
Through lonely darkness I sink.

Splash…Splash…Splish
Stars are shining make a wish.

Splish…Splish…Splash
Eyes shut closed, waiting to crash

Crick…Crick…Creek
Listening to the silence speak

Creek…Creek…Crick
Tired mind plays a trick.

Tick…Tick…Tock,
Lament the hands on the clock.

Tock…Tock…Tick.
Sleepy brain, time sounds sick.

Scratch…Scratch…Scritch
Thoughts recycle, cerebral glitch

Scritch…Scritch…Scratch.
Haunted by dreams I can’t catch.

Drop…Drop…Drip
I hear my sanity slip.

Drip…Drip…Drop.
Will this madness ever stop?

train of thought

Trying to frame my thoughts
within the context of written words
and all I can focus on is this empty screen;
but alas, what is this?
It is not empty any longer.
Could that be it?
-An end to this lack of inspiration,
this creative drought?.
I shall continue
and you shall read
and then it seems
we both shall see.

The runaway locomotive
that is my train of thought
is rattling down its unknown track,
carrying an empty load.
Destined for a lonely place
that is nowhere but a once empty page.
That is one hundred words for today.

-Feb 2 2004